How I Healed My Period at 28

IMG_20150701_104217

Like many of you I hated my period. I dislike messy, and menstruation can be quite messy. I hated pads. I hated tampons. I hated the smell. I hated my horrible cramps. I hated missing swim practice because wearing a tampon was too painful. Then I hated my womb. Then I hated myself.

Did you catch that sequence? Products > Menstruation > Womb > Self

When I was trying to conceive I developed an even more complex relationship with menstruation. My period taunted me. No baby. The pain mocked the sweetness I anticipated with pregnancy. Interestingly enough, when I became pregnant the cycle of hate was perpetuated and I sank into prenatal depression. After my little girl was born it was 18 months before my red friend dared show her face again. When she did, she brought exhausting rage, PMS, and depression in her wake. I only endured a few more visitations before I became pregnant again. It was sometime in that gestation that I gestated the idea that my menstrual cycle meant something more than I had ever imagined before. I began to believe that womanhood meant more than being doomed to 384 weeks of menstrual misery. I began to read. I read books like In the House of the Moon by Elias and Ketcham, Wild Feminine by Tami Lynn Kent, Vagina by Naomi Wolfand revisited Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler.

I meditated on my own first bleeding time to see what beliefs were entrenched there. When did the hatred actually begin?

It was the evening of my 13th birthday. I was getting ready for bed when I felt like I needed to go to the toilet. Sure enough I peed, but on the paper there was a streak of brown. My mind reeled. Could this finally be it? All my friends had started a year or more before. I checked awkwardly to see which of the many holes in my  butt this stuff was coming from. Yes! It was the middle one, so no infection or “results could indicate a severe medical condition and should be verified by a physician.” This was my vagina. It was safe and normal for blood to come out of that one. On my birthday! I excitedly got out one of the plastic-wrapped pads that had been waiting in the drawer for a year and a half. Washing my hands, I looked in the mirror. “That’s a woman,” I told myself. Talking it over with my mother I remember thinking that my dad would have to know sometime and realizing that there was an awkward wall there. So I shared my moment with my mom and my sister and retreated to my room. Later that week I lit a candle, and prayed by its light. Then I beaded a hairpiece of red beads to wear on my period. Then I remember crying as I fell asleep because I felt so alone. I felt that there ought to be a ceremony. Something like the knighting rituals in the fantasy books I loved to read. There was no priestess to initiate me. I only had myself. 

The excitement I felt wore off quickly over the next year. I was a ballet dancer and I was debilitated with cramps and terrified of leaking or my pad being visible through my tights or leotard. My period became an unwelcome invader, unpredictable, and annoyingly familiar. The red beads stayed hidden in my drawer. The same year I began to hate my period I also began to hate myself. Disordered eating symptoms, mirror criticizing, insecurity and trouble with friends…the list got longer and longer. 

Hate my period > Hate my body > Hate myself. It began to sink in. The sources I had read collided in my head, heart, and womb, and I felt their truth. The womb is a gift. I had alienated her with years of misunderstanding and resentment. My most authentic voice of wisdom had been hated, avoided, berated, criticized, and numbed. It sounded like the treatment I had been giving myself for years, and it all started with my period. Could I unpack the process? Could I heal this relationship?

During that pregnant period I was meeting regularly with Katie. As we talked, often our conversations turned to menstruation, especially menarche. Misunderstood. Sad. Uneducated. Alone. We called our experiences what they were. Together, and yet individually, we reached the conclusion that we could still celebrate our menarche. We could start over. We could learn to love our periods, our wombs, and ourselves.

There are six components that added up to a healing relationship with my menstruation, womb, and self.

  1. Menarche Ceremony
  2. Reusable Menstrual Products (RUMPS)
  3. Personal Ceremony
  4. Honoring and Understanding the Whole Cycle
  5. The Moon Connection
  6. Women’s Circles

When I discovered each of these things my life, my womb, and my period changed. When I finally bled again (a year after the birth of my son) it was even more anticipated, exciting, sweet, and fulfilling than my thirteenth birthday present. I was honoring it. I was honoring myself. I appreciated it.

I now experience minimal cramping, pure red-blood, syncing with the moon, and my bleeding has become a wonderful time to retreat into the deep, honoring rest of time contemplating the things of my soul. My moontime bleeding routine includes personal ritual. It includes menstrual cups, sponges, and cloth pads which eliminate the chemical/biological smell I so loathed. It includes attending my new moon circles with my sisters, and rekindles my passion for continuing my education about the amazing female body.

What was your menarche experience? Do you celebrate your period? Your Womb? Yourself?

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “How I Healed My Period at 28

  1. I remember when I had my first period, I was terrified that my mom would tell my dad. She had told me that her mother told her father right in front of her, and that it had embarrassed her. And so I took from that that it was something to be embarrassed about. I have a great relationship with my dad, but for some reason, having a period was this embarrassing thing to me. Buying tampons, and pads was always mortifying. Having to bring them to school with me felt like a disgrace, because I thought boys would think I was disgusting. Having talked to my sisters, none of them felt this way. I’ve often wondered how I got that feeling in our home, when they did not. It makes me sad.

    I remember crying that day too, like you did. There should be a ceremony, so that girls feel how wonderful it is. It is a special, and a sacred thing, not something to feel ashamed of. Thank you for this lovely post.

  2. When I started my period I too cried. My mom told me of when she had had her first period, her mom told her dad right in front of her, and that was mortifying. I came away from that with the feeling that menstruation is embarrassing, which means it is bad. I hated my period. I hated using pads. I was grateful for tampons, but I hated buying them. I hated carrying them with me to school. I was terrified that some guy would know, and then he would be disgusted. Being on my period made me feel unclean. I wish it hadn’t been that way. There should be a celebration, and a feeling of beauty. Thank you for sharing this journey. I love what you’ve made of it! I hope more women can do the same!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s